We have just as much right to live and enjoy life as anyone else
In the current popular culture, we see young women pushed into sexuality before they are ready, and older women pushed out of sexuality before they choose to be
Stella Fosse, author of Aphrodite’s Pen: The Power of Writing Erotica after Midlife
Of all the self-imposed limitations that come with aging, the ones related to our sexual freedom are the most subtle. Except for those who venture into this territory - alone, by chance, out of curiosity or of sheer desire - the area is culturally and stubbornly blanked. Silence could be taken for consent, but there are people like Stella. Stella Fosse is the author of Aphrodite’s pen: The Power of Writing Erotica after Midlife, a book that celebrates the richness of our sexual experiences.
Stella does not merely describe her falling in love with sexuality after the age of fifty. She invites others to do the same, by tapping into the creative power of imagination. Her book is a guide on how to approach and write erotica, an act that Stella defines as a form of “mutiny,” an implicit reference to a space that needs to be reclaimed.
It’s not just a way - as Stella puts it - “to confront the nexus of ageism and sexism in our culture” and to show younger generations the richness of the life ahead. To take our sex life out of the closet, to see it is to take responsibility for it. It’s also a way to get to know ourselves better, to sort through our life experiences. Some memories might be great and some less remarkable, but the fact that they are gone doesn’t mean they are useless. To make them resurface, to combine them with a sprinkle of fantasy is a bit like making compost. At the end of the process, you get a fertilizer. It might be useful. You never know, under the surface, what type of plant or flower can bloom.
What exactly is erotica and how does it differ from pornography and sexual romance?
These three forms all include sexual content, but their intention is different. In erotica, sexuality catalyzes character development and is key to the plot. In pornography, sex itself is the point, with a focus on mechanics. Romance is defined by a happily-ever-after romantic ending, and in sexual romance, sex helps achieve that end. So sex performs different functions in these various forms of writing.
How did you go from biotechnology to literature, and erotic literature in particular?
I worked in biotechnology for a quarter of a century, writing applications for approval of new products at health authorities like the United States Food and Drug Administration. Regulatory submission work is a highly controlled form of technical writing.
But I always wanted to write for my own enjoyment, and retirement provides the opportunity. Not long before I retired, my friend Lynx Canon began an erotic reading series called “Dirty Old Women” in the San Francisco Bay Area. I enjoyed writing sexy stories to read there. My story, “Terraforming” was published in the Dirty Old Women Anthology. Then Lynx and I started a writing group called Elderotica. The writing group was so much fun that I wanted to write a guide for others about how to start a group like that. The result is my book, Aphrodite’s Pen, which was released earlier this year (just in time for my 66th birthday!). The chapter on starting a group, “Writing Sisters,” was the nucleus of the book.
Releasing the book led to other invitations to write and publish. I’m having a great time. I recommend writing as a creative experience for older women.
Your bio states that your erotic life “went from blah to ecstatic” in your late fifties. What propelled this transition?
That language is a bit over the top, but my erotic life did blossom in my late fifties. And I am not alone – much has been written about the “late bloomer” phenomenon for women. But there is surprisingly little medical research about late bloomers, given the potential market for post-menopausal libido enhancing drugs. So far, the endocrinology is not well defined.
From my own perspective, I was newly divorced in my late fifties and had spent years in therapy working through childhood sexual abuse issues. It was, simply, my time to bloom. It is vital that each woman have the agency to decide when that time arrives, no matter where she is in her life cycle.
And for women working through sexual abuse issues, I recommend Jen Cross’ book, Writing Ourselves Whole. It’s a great resource to use writing to reframe our stories and look at the positive side of sexuality.
You described erotic writing as a “life affirming practice.” Can you tell us more about this definition?
When we write our erotic stories, we make our sexuality visible to ourselves, and take our own erotic lives seriously. This is significant, even if we choose to keep our stories private.
As we write about erotic experience, we affirm our sensual connection with the world around us. We celebrate the best aspects of our erotic lives and explore our fantasies. This is so liberating, because anything can happen on the page. When we write erotica, we connect with the sensuality of everything that exists. Humans have the capacity to fall in love with trees, stars, the ocean – and we affirm our libidinal connection with the universe through writing.
For me, claiming my sexuality later in life, erotic writing feels especially important. I had no role models in my family for what it’s like to be a sexy older woman, so I am my own role model. And, too, writing is a way to capture and remember who we are right now. Sexuality at our age has special poignancy. Because we have lost the illusion of endless life, our stories take on even more meaning. I treasure my stories – they are the most personal mementoes.
The title of your book is a reference to Aphrodite, a goddess known both for a spiritual and physical love. Do you think that this image can help us to rekindle a relationship with our feelings, as a way to make our lives fuller?
The image of Aphrodite is a reminder of the erotic goddess in each of us. I love the fact that Aphrodite herself is thousands of years old and remains a positive symbol of women’s sexual power. The name of the book, Aphrodite’s Pen, encourages us to channel that power into creativity. The creative process enables us to connect with all parts of ourselves: our feelings, our memories, our desires, ourselves now as older women, and the women we were in our youth.
I like your sentence: “Our culture needs reminders of what is possible for women past midlife.” What are the main cultural obstacles you notice in your aging journey?
I notice the absence of older women in popular culture. I notice how few books, movies, and songs celebrate the vivid lives we lead. This absence of affirmation is striking, and there is data to back it up, including studies by the Geena Davis Institute. Ms. Davis started that organization after her highly successful movie career fell off a cliff when she turned forty. The Institute’s motto, “If she can see it, she can be it,” speaks to the importance of seeing ourselves reflected in the popular culture.
That is why my book and website include reviews of books and movies about older women and our erotic expression. It’s essential that we learn who is out there, because many of these women do not receive the recognition they deserve. One of these authors is Rae Padilla Francoeur. Her book, Free Fall: A Late-in-Life Love Affair, is just splendid and should be widely read.
It’s also important to look at photography books that celebrate the beauty of older women. Wise Women by Joyce Tenneson is a great example.
How can the power of imagination help us to see ourselves differently while we grow older?
We know that we are real, in a culture that tries to make older women invisible. We know that our contributions are valuable, because anthropologists have shown that grandmothers are essential to the success of our species. We know that humans are the animals who play throughout life, and that creativity is an important form of play.
And when we play by writing, we can bridge the gap from the stereotypes in the culture to the women we know ourselves to be. When we experience writing as a form of play, we see there are no mistakes in first drafts. We have absolute freedom to try out every idea. I cultivate that creative freedom for myself, and share it with others when I lead writing retreats.
How can imagination help to design a future off the beaten track?
My book includes interviews with older women who write erotica, several of whom have just recently started writing. One of these women, Rene Johns, writes stories about things she wants to experience. She claims that several of her stories have come true, and she can’t wait to see what she writes next!
Imagination allows us to celebrate all that is possible. Questions that begin with “What if,” engage us in exploration of what could be. I like the thought experiment where you picture what you would do if money and time were no object, and then think about how many of your wildest dreams you can accomplish with the resources you have. Yes, we have constraints, and yes, we can push right up to the edge of those constraints.
In my book, I suggest turning stereotypes on their heads and using these counter-tropes as the basis for stories. Write about the passionate sex of a newly formed couple in their fifties, for example, or, Write about a woman who becomes a tantrica in her sixties. We expand what is possible in life by expanding the range of our imagination.
As a way to demonstrate the richness and nuances of the experience, writing erotica can be a way to build a bridge amongst generations. Do you think that this can also be a way to counteract our ageist culture?
The act of creating erotica for and about older women is an act of mutiny. When older women write erotica, we directly confront the nexus of ageism and sexism in our culture. When we choose to share our writing as a celebration of our abundant lives, we model an entirely different way of being than the stereotypes we see in the culture. This is why writing, public reading, and publishing elderotica, or “elder erotica,” are crucial.
When people ask what my new book is about, and I tell them it’s a book for older women about how and why to write erotica, many of them look shocked. I’m not sure they know where to file that information in their minds. Encouraging people to create that new brain folder feels like doing my bit for the cause of anti-ageism.
The sex life of aging women is treated - at best - with extreme superficiality: what have you learned in your journey as an author and partner?
One of the big surprises on this journey as an author is the joyful reception from younger women who feared they would lose their sexuality at some arbitrary age, based on messages they hear in the culture. When older women share our erotic stories at readings or through publication, we give women in their thirties an unexpected gift.
Another surprise is the great joy older women experience when we write erotica in groups. It’s so affirming and fun to get together with other aging women to create and share. Our life experience is so rich that when a group of us starts with the same writing prompt, we come up with vastly different and quite marvelous narratives.
My journey as a partner includes so much gratitude for the love, bliss, and fun we share. It takes persistence, discernment, and a sense of humor to find a partner later in life, and it is entirely worthwhile. We know who we are and what we value in each other. Life in my sixties is nothing like what I expected as a young woman.
While older men are mocked or stereotyped for their interest in sex, older women are sexually marginalized. Why is it important to regain this space?
We were raised to be marginalized. Women now in our sixties and seventies absorbed the Disney cartoons as girls, before our critical faculties developed. Sleeping Beauty was young, good, beautiful, and entirely passive. Maleficent was older, powerful, envious, and evil. These tropes were repeated in one movie after another. We internalized these messages about who we should be as young women, and the terrible fate that awaited us if we claimed our power as we matured.
In the current popular culture, we see young women pushed into sexuality before they are ready, and older women pushed out of sexuality before they choose to be. What is essential is the agency of the individual woman to determine who she wants to be and how she wants to act. When women claim sexual agency at every age, it is key to claiming agency in all aspects of life. We need positive role models of powerful, sexually alive, older women.
We can be positive models for our children and grandchildren by living our lives fully embodied, by letting them know there is joy ahead. We can tell them stories about strong princesses, powerful queens, and wise dancing grandmothers. Telling those stories is one of the key reasons we are here.
One last question: the perspective on old age seems a one-size-fits-all proposition. What suggestions would you give to reclaim and regain the power to choose our own story?
Every person on the planet grows older by the day, and each of us changes in our own way. Each person’s health status is different, and yet for every one of us, our bodies are good gifts to cherish. Each person’s sexuality is unique, and yet for every one of us, sexuality is ours to enjoy throughout life. Each person’s mode of expression is individual, and yet every one of us has a story to tell.
Those of us past the half century mark may have internalized ageism that makes it difficult to take our passions seriously. Yet we have just as much right to live and enjoy life as anyone else.
Choosing our own stories requires that we first pay attention to our heart’s desires. When we do that, we can seek the experiences we most value, and express ourselves however we wish: through writing or painting or drama or building robots. Imagine you can have it all, and scale back only as needed. The key thing is to seize our joy.
