We must be the pioneers

Aging is the time when we can free ourselves of our constraints and discover what brings us alive

Sandi Peters, author of Aging with Agency: Building Resilience, Confronting Challenges, and Navigating Eldercare

I fell asleep on a train one night and got lost in a foreign country. I had just turned  twenty and I planned to visit a friend in Montpellier, in France, to spend New Year’s eve together. I headed to the Milan Central Station in the late afternoon. The station is a majestic white stone-clad building with three huge portals overlooking a rectangular square that seems to mirror the shape of the construction. Architecturally, it is a mix between Art Déco and late Assyrian-Babylonian eclecticism, which in Italy - less prosaically - we call “fascist style.” Completed in 1931, it is what you would expect from a travel cathedral. The facade, coupled of winged horses representing progress led by intelligence and willpower, is like a side scene. The actual station begins after crossing the road that runs under a high porch. It still keeps the name “arcade of the horse carriages” even now that carriages are long gone. Part of my excitement for this trip was due to the fact that I was actually entering the station, a building I had learned to know from the side, a much less fancy view, riding in my dad’s car on the way to my grandma’s house. Leaving behind the Christmas lights on Boxing Day I felt a pang of melancholy, but soon I was walking under the five glass-and-iron vaults covering the train tracks and hopped onto my train with all the carelessness of my twenties.

Conceived in the fifties, golden aluminium frames surrounded the window and door of the railway compartment. Having lost the shiny touch of other metal parts, the curved door handle was dull and polished. Above the three brown leatherette seats lined along each side of the second-class compartment, framed by the same aluminium material, hung two black and white pictures showcasing famous Italian view points - fallen columns in a courtyard, barges on a lake, a snow-covered mountain peak, a view of Canal Grande. Between the pictures, a rectangular mirror of the same size and shape offered a peek into one’s image. I could imagine the self-excusing comments shared by the passenger for looking at his reflection under the gaze of people unknown (women would just pretend nobody was there). There were two luggage racks, the lower one was the right size to host a book or a newspaper. The second one was high enough to prompt passengers to help those who could not lift their heavy luggage at that altitude. The compartment smelled of plastic and cigarette mixed with a metallic hint, an unmistakable collection of travelled life, conversations, and dreams. 

It was a gentler time and it felt perfectly normal to travel alone at night from one country to the next one. My only concern was waking up past midnight to take a connecting train. As it turned out, the regular movement on the train lulled me to a deep sleep and when I woke up, I found myself in Perpignac, the last stop before the Spanish border. The station where I should have disembarked was already behind me. Disoriented, I grabbed my luggage and got off the train. Ejected from my dream, I sat on a bench in an empty waiting room under a neon light. The clock read 1:40. There was no way for me to turn its hands back. In this liquid atmosphere, I observed myself from the outside and pitied the girl who got lost instead of sleeping in her bed. 

In retrospect, it all looked like a dream: I found myself in a place that “happened”, instead of gradually revealing itself as it normally happens in everyday life. My dreams feel like a story that I tell to myself, with scant details, black and white colors, and puzzling situations - like putting myself on the right track with just a handful of French words. 

It might be because I don’t dream in technicolor that I never paid much attention to my dreams. But since I have embarked into this inquiry into aging, I have befriended all the things that lie under the surface and dreams make no exception. I have also began to trust my intuition more and I was therefore pleased to read Sandi Peters’ remarks and her invitation to pay attention to the subtle voices of our internal world. Sandi has a master’s degree in psychology and for more than thirty years she has been working in the field of gerontology with a focus on life span development and the possibility for renewal in older age. Recently, she appeared with her book Aging with Agency: Building Resilience, Confronting Challenges, and Navigating Eldercare in the US.

Can you tell us a bit about your story and where your interest for aging comes from?

I got interested in older people when I was in my early forties. I fell into friendship with a 90-year-old who was caretaking her 92-year-old sister who had memory loss. I was on the parish council of a Catholic community and, as part of my position, I decided to go meet everyone in my jurisdiction. I met Mary and her sister Alice. Mary never married but her sister had a daughter who lived two hours north. Essentially, they were on their own. So, I organized the parish to provide meals for them on the weekend when Meals on Wheels didn’t operate and I did a deep dive into services for older people in my area. At the time I was working with developmentally delayed kids as a caseworker at a local children’s hospital.  After a year or so of supporting Mary and Alice, a friend of mine saw a job in aging services at Catholic Charities and sent it to me. I applied and got the job. That’s what launched my career in aging.

Why did you decide to write Aging with Agency?

Actually, I never intended to write this book. I set out to turn my master’s thesis on using sandplay with memory impaired elders into a book but as I wrote that book, it kept getting bigger and bigger. I’d go to bed at night and a voice would wake me up and say, ‘you need to write about this,’ ‘you need to write about that,’ ‘you have to put this in,’ etc.  The voice was so insistent that some nights I just had to get up and start writing. I ended up with over 400 pages, so I decided to split it into two books. Once I did that I realized that I had to add material to Aging with Agency. Talking about aging without addressing memory loss would be an inaccurate portrayal of the terrain at this time of life. In addition, to make this book truly comprehensible and hands-on required going into more depth about the various theories and adding examples. I still have the original book and still want to get it published.

Why did you feel the need to stress the concept of “agency?”

The word agency came from the publisher. Originally, I titled the book Aging Matters but the publisher didn’t feel that really expressed the contents. At first, I wasn’t sure I liked the word agency so I looked it up and realized that it did in fact address what I was trying to get to in the book. It was a more sophisticated word for saying what I was aiming at which is that we do have within us the power to affect how we live through and with the aging experience. There are many books out there on how to stay young or how to maintain one’s health as we age, but there is very little literature on the psychospiritual dimensions of aging. Additionally, there are many resources on how to choose a facility, but again, few that address the topic from the inside of what it's like to live in a facility and how to optimize life if we should end up in one.

Aging is an overlooked topic. On the basis of your experience, why do we, as a society, focus so much on the physical side of the process rather than the psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects that are equally there?

That’s such an excellent question and I have struggled with that for years in my jobs. I think it comes down to several factors. The first is economics. When it comes to aging, many people are loath to spend money on services of any kind. This is true for older adults needing help and for their children who are overseeing their care. It is relatively easy to see the concrete tasks that are needed, for example, a housekeeper, transportation, a shopper, meals, etc. And, it is easy to calculate 15-minute increments by tasks and then charge for the service. The more concrete the service the easier it is to justify.  Unfortunately, we cannot see the need for engagement, stimulation, belonging, or any other social/emotional needs. What we see is the result when these are not met; usually depression, multiple physical symptoms, anxiety, etc.

The second is related to the first.  As a society we do not take psychic reality as real. That includes the whole internal experience of the person.  We tend to be very pragmatic and outer focused. We know that undergoing a surgical procedure will require x amount of money and x amount of recuperative time. What we don’t know is how the person will respond psychologically and spiritually to this experience.  Every person is different and we can’t predict how someone is going to respond to a given situation. We tend to get into a quagmire when we try, so we give up. If we turn to research to guide us, we often find confusing and contradictory results. Since research is quantitatively driven it cannot provide us with the qualitative answers we desire. There are too many variables when we are dealing with human emotion and these are not easily measurable.  

Currently, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the therapy of choice when it comes to working with “oldsters.” CBT identifies a problematic behavior and aims to change our thoughts about it. It does not attempt to understand the systemic reason how that behavior got there in the first place. When we try to understand the etiology of something, we spend time with it. It requires reflection, oftentimes guidance by someone skilled in the ways of the mind/heart, and a genuine desire to change the behavior. This is what is called ‘depth’ work because it moves beyond the surface manifestation of a problem to what states of mind, conditions and beliefs are holding the behavior in place.  Depth work takes time, skill and resources. When these are provided, the behavior often goes away on its own or the person is no longer overcome by it. Unfortunately, with more surface approaches such as CBT, the particular problem behavior may change, however, some other behavior often crops up to take its place. 

The third factor contributing to our societal neglect of the aging experience is that we have a ‘pull yourself up by your own bootstraps’ mentality. This kind of mindset leaves little room for the nuances of psychology or spirituality, unless these are used in the service of pulling oneself up. Being independent and strong are highly valued traits in the US. Being weak or soft, or being seen as weak or soft, are not only not appreciated, those who show these traits are considered worthless - exactly how many older adults describe themselves! 

The final element is a cousin of the third factor above. We are and have been in denial about loss, vulnerability, suffering and death. These are not topics that the American has any interest in exploring. This is the realm of religion and spirituality and is best relegated to that ghetto of American life. Unless and until we become comfortable with these topics, it is unlikely that we will see any meaningful shift in consciousness towards valuing aging or oldsters.

One of the difficulties we face as we age is to find our place in a reality that does everything to block aging people out. How can we see ourselves, when there are few and misguiding reflections around?

This is true and this is why I say that this generation must be the pioneers.  We must find ways to validate our experience as older adults. We cannot look to the past or to the present because we have never been here before. Older adults today MUST create the models for those who come after us. For that we have to do what I suggest in my book. We must become familiar with the pushes and pulls of our own psyche. We must tease out our own biases and confront them. We must take on the challenge they offer us.  When we can learn to do that with our own psyche, we automatically change our behavior and become teachers and examples for others. There is no other way right now.  There are a few existing models of positive aging and we can use them to draw on our own strength and vision. I am not talking about the ‘extraordinary’ older adult who still lifts 100-pound weights or goes to the office at 95. Certainly these persons do give us pause and an opportunity to question our internal bias. But they are easy to dismiss as ‘exceptional’ and we can go back to our complacency, even if it is disagreeable. 

I’m sure most people reading this can identify an older person they once knew or now know, who stands out for them. What makes them so noticeable? It’s because these oldsters manage to find joy in the smallest things. They have a philosophical mindset when it comes to dealing with infirmity.  They are less judgmental and open to new ideas. They often are involved in a project that benefits others - maybe being the ear for the neighborhood kids, maybe writing letters to politicians, maybe helping out at a soup kitchen, perhaps calling other seniors who are isolated. These are our present-day role models. Finally, we need to learn to recognize the many biases we each carry within ourselves towards those who are older and towards our own aging. Then, we need to have the courage to speak up about bias when we see it.  There are several excellent resources to help with that. One is the book This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism by Ashton Applewhite.

You noted: “For the most part, work - in whatever capacity we knew it, whether as executive director, trash collector, homemaker or teacher - no longer distracts us from facing ourselves.” Do you think that one of the tasks of aging is putting us in contact with ourselves? 

This is not one of the tasks; it is THE task. And I think it links well with where we are as a global community. We are on the brink of a radical change. Which direction we will go is unknown. Across the globe there is unrest on so many levels. I don’t think it’s an accident that we have so many people now confronting the challenges of aging. So many old people feel useless. Why? Because they identify with the consumerist valuation of production as the only means of satisfaction. What is needed now is not production but ‘induction’. We need to go inside and explore that terrain, map it and bring its treasures to the larger community. This is what will be our salvation in the future both individually and collectively. What the world needs now more than ever is wisdom and that comes from the ability to explore, synthesize and communicate authentically.  Wisdom is the province of old age for those who are willing to do the work to master themselves.

Is this what Jung calls “Individuation?” What does it mean and why does it matter for aging?

Jung had a background steeped in religion. His father was a pastor and his grandfather was also a prominent figure in the conservative protestant tradition of his childhood. His mother had mental health issues and paranormal experiences and opened him to the mystery of consciousness. These were strong influences on him as a young person.  When Jung developed his psychology, he needed to find a place for these experiences.  Indeed, the major cause of his break with his early mentor, Freud, was over the lack of a theory that included the religious and paranormal. He kept track of the material his patients and clients brought to him as well as living through his own crises. It was out of this that he developed his theories, prominent of which is individuation.

Jung believed, and his follower, James Hillman furthered his thought on this, that each person is born with a thrust towards what Jung called ‘wholeness’ and Maslow termed ‘self-actualization.’ Each of us is unique. We come into this world with a purpose, something only we can offer the world. It doesn’t mean we’re all meant to receive the Nobel Prize.  It can be something very simple, like helping a person who is disabled to live a good life or showing kindness when it’s needed. Without our input, the world is diminished. Most of the time our purpose gets hidden behind the conditions of our lives. They divert us from our task. We often don’t even know we have a task. Old age offers the quintessential opportunity to divest ourselves of the many distortions we’ve accumulated over a lifetime and discover what brings us truly alive.

Howard Thurman said what the world needs is people who are alive. That’s what individuation is. It’s people who are able to experience both suffering and joy in equal measure; who are able to give of themselves and not consider the cost; who are content with themselves and see the beauty in life even in unpleasant places and situations. Their attitude shifts the world balance. This goes back to the previous question about the need to face ourselves and be pioneers for our time.

In your book, you draw from Erickson, Maslow and Jung. Can you briefly explain why this triad of theories creates the perfect framework to understand (and hopefully embrace) aging?

Each of these authors offers a different perspective on the need and result of mapping the internal terrain. These are three different lenses that we can use to understand why we would want to take on the challenging task of exploring our insides at this time of life. Aging is the time that we can finally free ourselves of multiple constraints and focus as we have not been able to do in the past. Each theory highlights a different aspect of what it looks like when we are able to fully embrace a path of conscious awareness. Erickson and Maslow offer secular visions. Jung walks a middle path. Yet all three point to states of mind and being that are not unlike the tenets of most religious traditions throughout time.

Gerotranscendence, the one positive theory of aging in the literature, is really a description of individuation, self-actualization and wisdom. The research of the Swedish sociologist Lars Tornstam demonstrates this is possible for ordinary men and women as we age. If people want to experience their aging as positive, then these theorists show them how to integrate and what results they can hope to experience in their lives for their efforts.

In his novel The Death of Ivan Ilych, Tolstoy presents us with the question: “What if my all life has been wrong?” Do you think that the process of aging is helping us to handle this question, to “live out our Daimon” to use your reference?

Absolutely. In fact, this is one of the most important questions we need to grapple with in older age.  If we don’t address this question, we can never really get to the wellspring of joy that resides inside. Erikson named the last stage of life “integrity vs. despair” and his wife, Joan, reversed it to be “despair vs. integrity.” Despair is Ivan’s question. It is a threshold question. Just as in youth we had to go through despair to set up our direction and values in life so too we have to pass over this abyss now to find our worth. Each of us will answer that question in our own way. There is no right answer. Some will feel their life has been all wrong and they will need to find a way to redress that now. Others will be able to validate what they did with their life. Most of us fall somewhere in between. It is only through the acknowledgement of our doubts, insecurities, vulnerabilities, hurts and fears that we begin the journey of authenticity, individuation and self-liberation.

Aging is a marginalized, unguarded territory. It’s exciting to think of all the opportunities we have to transform its canvas. What is your take?

I agree completely with this statement. One further point I’d like to make is in regards to the word ‘transform’. This is exactly what is needed. However, we cannot transform the canvas if we don’t transform ourselves. That’s why we need inner work. By engaging our internal world with its myriad voices, demands, expectations, distresses, dislikes, etc., we transform ourselves into broader, deeper people. Others notice and this is how transformation of the canvas takes place. It is a very exciting time to be entering the elder years.  We have so much to give if we just get out of our own way.