Aging is not a straight line
Ageism is always accompanied by marginalization. The problem is that instead of questioning the system, we question ourselves, and self-doubt begins to creep in
Patti Temple Rocks, communicator and author of I’m Not Done: It’s Time to Talk about Ageism in the Workplace
There’s nothing that made my heart cringe as did an Italian bar when I was a child. Don’t think about one of those fancy places downtown with the long steel countertop, waiters in white shirts, black jackets, and bow ties serving espresso while standing in front of glass shelves with colorful bottles of drinks - the orange of Aperol, the red of Campari, the white of Sambuca. I entered in plenty of those places when I accompanied my grandma in the maze of a city I still didn’t know how to navigate. It was a time when sugar didn’t come in single-use sachets. With the same abundance of sand on a beach, its white crispy surface laid in an oval-shaped metallic bowl. In the lid, two dents hosted spoons with a long handle, the perfect incarnation of the design ideals of the Fifties. The container was always full. From my low vantage point, observing a waiter pouring sugar in from a paper bag was a snap show: the avalanche of grains created a sugary powder that filled the air first and landed on my lips next.
The bars in my hometown belonged to a completely different category. All of them had the same raw checked tableclothes. Where the lines of warp and weft met, the result was a darker square. The tablecloth came in two hues: orange and green and was neatly spread on the surface because a thin metallic frame with a hidden clip kept it in place. In the center of the table, a round glass ashtray measured the time spent by the customers playing cards. Empty, it meant they just arrived, full they’ve been playing for quite a while and that, enhanced by the cold luminescence of neon lights, explained the foggy air of the room. I never felt entirely comfortable in those spaces, the modern evolution of the traditional tavern, a male-only venue by an unwritten rule.
Nevertheless, I sometimes entered into one of these bars. Maybe it was to make a phone call, asking the owner for permission to use the public booth at the back, walking down a dim-lit corridor with a marble grit paving. Maybe it was to have an ice cream on a lazy stroll during the holidays when the ice cream parlors were shut. Contained in plastic boxes, the industrial type of ice cream had the artificial taste of cotton candy no matter the flavor you picked. Flashy food colors made all the difference between pistachio and strawberry, hazelnut and coffee. The cone was the highlight of the whole experience, as it maintained its crunchiness while offering a slightly stale taste. Had it existed, I would have pressed the “Beam me up” button on the spot. It was 1982 and I was done.
The encounter with Patti Temple Rocks’ book I’m Not Done: It’s Time to Talk about Ageism in the Workplace brings this flood of memories to mind. In reverse, her claim resonated with this juvenile experience. I appreciate her empowering statement and, as I learned talking with her, I’m not the only one. Patti’s battle cry to defend her rights to contribute regardless of the number written on her ID echoed with countless men and women pushed aside by a system that seems designed to tick a box more than to elevate the valuable experience of the people it employs.
Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
I had a happy and successful career in the communication business and for a long time I was blissfully ignorant of ageism in the workplace. When things were not right, I didn’t know how to interpret them. It happened when my boss, all of a sudden, began to be marginalized. She was not invited to meetings anymore; she was victim of mansplaining; she was not involved in decisions to the same extent as before. I noticed what was going on and, during a work-related cocktail reception, I talked about it to her boss, asking him if there was something I could do to help her. Unexpectedly, he replied: “Don’t you see it might be good for you? She’s been here a long time and she might be tired.” But at 55, she had more energy than everyone in there. How could she be tired? I knew without a doubt that description was simply NOT true. That’s how it dawned on me that “tired” was an euphemism for something else.
I began to pay attention. My first reaction was: how to make sure that the same thing was not going to happen to me. I started reading. All the available literature of the time told me I had to recreate myself, choose a different profession than the one I had been so successful at. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but several years later, when I was 57, I was offered a new job – a promotion of sorts, except it wasn’t really. It was a “move to the sidelines” job with little opportunity for impact and I simply wasn’t ready to accept the job and I told my boss so. He got upset, evidently he had promised my position to somebody else so he said, “Well, how much longer do you want to work anyway?” That’s when I knew ageism was deep rooted. I wasn’t ready to be sidelined, so I left. I realized I was stereotyped and felt the need to speak up.
Is that how you decided to write your book?
For the first time in my life, I was not getting up to go to work. I wrote a post on LinkedIn to explain my situation and ended with the hashtag #ImNotDone. At the time, I didn’t have a lot of followers, but thousands of people responded to me. People shared their experiences or the experiences of people they knew, their parents and colleagues. I was not the only one who believed that ageism was a big problem. The response I got was overwhelming and I felt emboldened to write more. Basically, the book came to me. I found a publisher and showed her the responses I was getting. The rest is history.
What have you learned about ageism in the workplace during your career and while working on this book?
I learned a bunch of things. For too long everybody was silent, despite the fact that ageism in the workplace is more than twice the most widely felt and observed form of discrimination and also the least reported. Think about that! Why? We have a long held societal belief that age is bad, and we tend to be dismissive about it. Ageism is always accompanied by marginalization. When employers tend not to involve you as much, instead of questioning the system, you question yourself. Maybe, I lost something and self-doubt begins to creep in.
I have the feeling that because we grow up in an ageist culture, we tend to validate ageist claims when they are directed towards ourselves. What is your take?
I couldn’t agree more. Just consider the greeting cards; there are sections and sections of ageist cards. There must be some social belief that says it’s okay to make fun of age. And how we think about what is old changes considerably over time. When you’re in your twenties, and someone says you’ll be ready to retire in your 50s that seems so far away so it seems like a reasonable idea. Asked the same question in your 40s and I promise you it will no longer seem like such a “reasonable” idea. Plus, let’s remember we are living so much longer so if we live to be 90, we very much need to look at our work-life differently.
I always worked in the communication business and when I turned 55, I decided to get a tattoo to surprise my family. Because I worked in a creative business, I showed my tattoo, telling my colleagues that I had gotten it for my “big” birthday and everybody congratulated me on my 50th! Knowing I worked in an ageist world, I decided to let the misunderstanding stand – did I really want them to know I was 55? I now so regret I made that choice. If they thought getting a tattoo at 50 was cool they would have thought even more so at age 55 and I could have shown them what that looked like. We often hide. We are afraid of society, and I missed a chance to educate my colleagues.
In your experience, does ageism in the workplace affect women and men differently?
It happens to both. Recently, I was talking with a man in his fifties and I asked if it happened to him to be a victim of ageism. He pointed out that when a company has to downsize, it will reflect upon the consequences of letting off a woman or an African American. The white male over fifty is the one shown the door. I am extremely grateful when companies think about the consequences of discrimination during a downsizing. I just want them to realize discriminating over age is despicable too.
I do believe that women have a far greater pressure to look young. The other weird thing - but it’s just a gut feeling - is that women are more likely to take a break in their careers, because of the caring duties they perform at home and this might lead employers to thinking that their skills are not that sharp when they reach a certain age, when this is not necessarily the case. Women pay the price of a double-whammy, that’s why it is important to be aware of one’s worth.
What does our society get wrong about growing old?
Our society addresses the issue in a shameful way, with words and silences. I recently met with two women in the beauty industry on a quest to eradicate the word “anti-aging.” If you are against aging does that mean you are pro-death? How ridiculous that is! Aging is not a choice, ageism is. We need to make clear that if we’re lucky, we age.
We also need to adjust to the needs of an aging population in the workplace. People make assumptions that workers are not open to conversations. Nobody talks about aging; it is the elephant in the room. If you say you want to work less as you get closer to the end of your career, you’re immediately afraid that your commitment might be questioned. The system doesn’t incentivize you to be open. The managers are afraid of asking questions for fear that they might say the wrong thing so no one says anything and it’s a losing proposition for everybody.
How could we improve things?
In my experience, it matters how the question in the workplace is posed. I told my boss I was not interested in the promotion he proposed, but in hindsight I recognize that things would have been different if we had more conversation not just about aging, but about our priorities and their evolution in time.
Now I’m not working full time, I earn less than I did, because I chose so. I graduated in 1981. I have almost forty years of experience and I am so grateful for this, as I am leading people with a broader perspective.
Surreal question: if a client gave you a brief to “sell” aging, to create a new narrative around this concept, what suggestions would you give?
Life is all about phases. My mum didn’t have a career and while she watched me growing up, she told me, you can have it all but not all at once. This to say that aging is not a straight line. When you’re young, you don’t make a lot of money; when you’re older you have more control over your life. For instance, I am willing to earn less to have more. Aging should be what we do throughout. It is a different cycle. In my sixties, I care more for the people who work for me than I do about getting the next promotion.
Claims like “successful aging,” “pro-aging,” and “active aging” are doing a disservice to us. What do you think?
We’re lucky if we age. It’s a universal purpose to age. We should ask what these claims mean for us. Successful aging is a life well lived, the result and the possibilities of making good choices. One of the downsides of ageism in the workplace is that choices are made for us. Even in a subtle way. For instance, when they say they look for a “digital native,” it means they want someone younger and cheaper. I think we all would define “successful aging” as choosing how and when we want to leave the workplace.
After I’m Not Done, what does your aging look like?
More fun than before! I don’t feel the need to filter what I say. It’s liberating. I love the feeling that I can share what I learn and what’s on my mind. It answers a need to give back, to take this time for life learning. I’m so grateful to talk about this subject against the conspiracy of silence. The more we can talk and challenge the business to reflect upon it, the more inclusive the business would become.
